Tag Archives: self reflection

The beginning of Fall 2013 – Season of Self-Reflection;

25 Sep

As I swap out my flip-flops and rhinestone encrusted starfish earrings for tweed chucks and lightweight scarves, I am finally ready to admit that fall is here!! And with the change of season, comes the inevitable kick-off to my season of self-reflection…;

Change.  The concept has recently been weighing on me, and today, I finally found the words to say what has been on my mind.  Change is always upon us, around us, within us.  Some changes we have asked for.  Some changes are welcomed and exciting.  New beginnings.  Some change comes as a pleasant surprise, allowing us to embrace it easily.  While other change is difficult, painful, unavoidable.  Change can be scary to those of us who are type-A people, who haven’t planned for it and are not ready for it.  Regardless of the type of change we are facing today, tomorrow or have faced yesterday we can learn from it;

As fall opens up to us, I open my heart and soul for inspection.  “What have I been through over the last year” usually turns into “what have I been through over my life time”.   This year is no different.  So here I am, staring down the barrel of my life’s events, good, bad and indifferent.  And I am seeing a lot of twists and turns over the journey so far…;

I realize that not all responsibility for change rests on my shoulders.  I also realize that a great deal of growing, learning and reflection has ultimately happened due to the changes in my life.  While we may be painfully falling down in the trenches of life, I have realized that there is always an opportunity to learn from it.  I have also realized that sometimes we are merely an instrument in a life lesson – sometimes our own, sometimes in someone else’s.  I am pleased as I reflect on the last year of my life (with the other 28 years in shadow) and can say that I have been learning and growing along my journey and through the stories of others;

I am not done with my season of reflection; this is only the beginning and the leaves have yet to fall..;

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Letting Go: May’s Motto

1 May

Happy May Day!  How did you celebrate?  Did you dance around the maypole?  Construct crowns out of flowers?  Or play hookie in honor of the once honored holiday?  I spent a good bit of the day in self-reflection, a tradition of mine as I near my birthday.  I have had an incredible urge to lighten the load on my shoulders recently, and today seemed like the perfect day to finally talk about it.

Over the past few months I have struggled to understand my difficulty in bouncing back from this winter’s health complications which have left me in a funk.  This is grossly out of character for me as I could sleep off a morning attack and pull myself together in less than 8 hours to dance the night away with my friends in college.  Now, I am still picking up the pieces and adjusting to new medication, sleeping habits and food limitations.  OK, Litz, stop. right. there!  Did I seriously just compare my almost 29-year-old self to my 19-year-old college self?  At least I’m laughing at myself over that one…

It wasn’t until recently that I realized I was trying to bounce back to the person I once was, sometimes many years ago.  While focusing on finding remission, I lost sight of the rest of myself.  I forgot to allow myself to mature and change.  I forgot to embrace who I am today – live in the moment.  I found myself held back by who I was in the past, and I never saw it happen.

Don’t get the wrong idea, it is not as if I am some crazy hoarder, buried alive by every piece of trash from my past (I may have watched a few too many episodes of Hoarders recently).  I simply forgot to take out the trash spiritually.  Oh, and it wasn’t a wasted effort either.  I am, for the most part, in remission! THANK GOD!  Now, if I could just get through the trigger experimental phase, I just might be able to find it completely… and dare I say it… stay there!?

Issue: Known.  Cause: Found.  Solution: On the way.

It is time to let go.  Let go of who I was to make room for who I am, who I can be.  Let go of the hurt in my life and allow the positive to replace it.  Let go of what has been for what could be.  What do you need to let go of?  My list is long, I have my work cut out for me, but I am excited for this new Journey to Find Litz.

Power Surge – Day 4

10 Dec

Now that 32 days have lapsed since beginning a 30 days challenge, I guess I should get onto day 4…

Today’s passage drew on the scenario of a power surge – and what follows. How the lights gets brighter and flicker resulting in a darkness. Our immediate thoughts dashing to the duration of the darkness anticipated, typically sending us searching for our candles and flashlights. Throughout the next passing minutes, hours and days (with support of our generators) we realize our dependencies to the crashed power lines dangling around us. This really hit home to me in more ways than one..

In times like this, we typically struggle to get through our days – we miss our DVRs almost instantaneously, and tether our iPhones, iPads and laptops to our generators and cars for what feels like constant charges to remain connected to the “outside” world. Our smartphones replacing our home networks, providing us with temporary HotSpots to provide us with continual VPN access. Hours later, we realize we are hungry and realize the microwave is worthless, then it gets real when our showers are chilled. This scenario is actually real – it happened to me a few weeks ago during Hurricane Sandy. I thought the world was over when I couldn’t work due to my iPhone not being HotSpot enabled while my mobile WiFi was crashing. Life was hell – or so I thought..

Little did I know that there was another power surge going on in my life – and one that would send me truly spiraling and grasping for anything to hold onto. During Hurricane Sandy, I was on the top of my mountain, and the real darkness came in illness form (see previous post for details). In said post, I mentioned that I was going to make some tweaks to my life, I just didn’t yet know what they looked like yet. Well, I still don’t have a solid plan, but now I have a better framing structure to build that plan off of.

Bouncing back to the book now… the authors really struck a chord with me on this one. To make change in our life, we move from will power to real power. But where the heck to we get our real power from and what is the difference? The book talks about will power being our power and real power being God’s power — we as humans don’t have the real power to make change in our own lives. It all happens by him… I am quiet undecided and almost put off by this in reality. This could be my inner control freak lashing out, but at the end of the day, I just cannot accept the fact that I am not driving my life at all. Must spend more time on this topic – I am at a loss on this one today; HOWEVER, I do really like the idea of will versus real power in concept. I will definitely be spending a lot of time here, both practically and spirituality.

In reality – I am realizing that there is a lot missing from my life, not just a relationship with my Creator. So it is time that I start to re-engage and bring some of the long-lost and never-found facets (back) into my life. A few of the areas that I have identified thus far are:

1. Creator Connection – I have finally said it, and more importantly written it down. If I have an issue with the Big Man in the Sky, then its about time that I address it. I don’t yet know what this will look like – or what my first conversation with him will sound like (if I had to guess, it’ll be a mess), but I finally have a real motivation to set this straight, or at least try. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t completely written him off over the last 10 years, and I have tried time and time again to work on this relationship. However, something hasn’t clicked for me here yet. I’m not going to push it – but I’m going amp up the energy a little. And I have this bible quote to thank for it. After searching for a passage for essentially 3 years, I finally found it! And I will be purchasing a copy of The Message Bible tomorrow – It may just be in the right language for me.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

2. Spiritual Energy & Health – As most things in your life hinge on this, this is a priority. I don’t take spiritual health/energy as the text book “God/human relationship” as the book does. I am expanding this to include spiritual self-grounding in general with Yoga and Eastern medicine. Possible avenues here include acupuncture, herbal remedies etc. Immediate need is to get healthy, not to grow. Healthy things grow – must get healthy first. (This is in addition to medical health.)

3. Perennial Pruning – I am self-admittedly not good at cutting the decaying portions out of my life to make room for new and positive adventures. This is going to change, but not over night. The book brought up that in most vineyards today, the head gardeners train the pruners for 2-3 years before letting them cut the branches, because pruners can ruin the entire crop if they don’t know what they are doing. This aspect scares me, and I know this will be painful – but ultimately, it will be beneficial and productive.

5. Constant Connection – To myself and per the above. I plan on doing this two fold with constant communication and constant confession. Why not start an open dialogue in the morning with the Big Man (once we have worked out our issues) – sharing concerns and expectations for the day and keeping it going through the day. Immediate honesty when realizing I should have said or done something, or shouldn’t have – then moving on. Owning it, learning from it, and leaving it – acting on it if necessary to rectify mistakes as required. Consider it an ongoing catalog of life events and how I feel about them. I’m not sure how much will be written in journals versus simple cognizant thought. Likely journaling the large issues/blessings to learn more about them.

My goal is not to change who I am in any way, but to better myself and heal what is broken in my life. This is an evolution and something that will likely change and morph more than I can imagine today. Cheers to the New Litz.

Live like there is no midnight…

26 Sep

Cinderella gave the world some amazing advice through the powers of good ol’ Walter Elias Disney, to live like there was no midnight.  As a little girl, Cinderella was just a pretty pretty princess… but today, I reflect on the strength that Walt’s dynasty meaningfully bestowed in our nations youth and all that the glass slipper stood for.  Looking at myself from ten thousand feet above, I challenge myself to reflect on my own life.  Am I meeting each day with the strength necessary to live the life I had imagined?  I am I living the life I want?  Am I living my life to its fullest?   Am I living like there’s no midnight?

Probably not.

I’d like to think that I’ve had this attitude throughout my life – and the genuine answer is that I have.  I have risen up to many occasions and tackled countless obstacles.  I have scars emotionally and physically to prove it, and I have grown in ways I could never have expected.  But the reality of the situation is that  I’m just not there yet, and I find myself teetering on the edge because of this.  Am I embarrassed to not have it all together at 28?  Surely, that can’t be it… Am I really expected to have it all figured out already?  Seriously, why does life not come with a carefully planned out manual – detailing out the how, where and when to insert yourself into various life situations and how to know its done correctly.

Sure, I have accomplished a lot – over the years, over the past year, and over the last few months.  I’ve bought a house, paid off my debt (did I mention the car will be paid off this Friday?), tackled some serious turns in my chronic illness, called off a marriage that wasn’t right and bounced back from the relationship that I was sure was it.   But am I accomplishing much in “life”?   Does any of this get me closer to being fulfilled when the clock strikes midnight?  With the exception of buying my house, my answer is an embarrassing no.  Sounds like a lot of searching to be done…

When I named this blog years ago, I hadn’t then realized what an ongoing evolution Finding Litz could be.  I mean, come on, how hard is it to look in the mirror and find yourself?  Apparently, it takes more than 28 years of practice.  Thank you, Cinderella, for teaching me to give myself more credit than I do.  I will make sure my nieces know you too.

(Though, let’s be honest here and give credit where credit is due.  Walt Disney may have popularized the story of Cinderella – ’twas truly a Greek folk tale and her name was originally Rhodopis first formal documentation known in1st Century BC.  I opted for the widely popularized version – which was truly inspired by the release of Disney’s Cinderella on Blue-Ray next week….)

Battle of Give and Take…

21 Apr

We have all heard that to achieve the perfectly balanced life, we must all give and take, right?  But do any of us really know the meaning of this phrase, or what it truly takes to achieve it?  I find myself struggling with this life lesson today, this week, this month…. And I am finding myself in a losing battle.

Only two words can completely sum up my feelings about myself today.  Burnt out.  I don’t know how else to describe it, but I am completely and utterly burnt out in every single aspect of my life.  As I was flipping through Facebook tonight (one of my bad habits to waste time that I can’t afford to waste) I found myself in tears.  I couldn’t figure out why at first – then it dawned on me.  I just don’t have the energy for it – to follow anyone else’s life when I can barely keep mine together now.  Every aspect of my life from personal to professional and back again feels like a sub-par version of how I expect my life to be.  This feeling prompted me to look at my life’s balance – or lack thereof in this case.

I realize that I am over-giving to every person and project in my life.  Or, in some cases, have already over-gave and just cannot give anymore.  I feel so close to the edge of that polarity that I worry about the what-if of not being able to re-balance my life altogether.  Then I realize that I am not in charge of what I get in return, and I am left with a few haunting questions.  Questions that I just cannot find the answers to.  Am I looking to the wrong outlets for the returned favors, attention and help?  Or is it just my turn to GIVE and not to GET in return?  Or do I simply rank things in a far different way than those I love?  That balance, too, shows a major deviance – the gap between priority lists feels far too large to justify today… Along those lines, do expect too much out of people?  Or am I too impatient or high maintenance?  After feeling this way for an entire month, I wonder – is it me?

The best relationship advice I ever received was simple: There will be times where one person gives more than the other, and sometimes will actually be doing all of the giving.  However, always keep in mind that there will be another timeframe where the other is doing all the giving.  It will never be a 50/50 split every single day, but more of a 50/50 split over the span of the successful relationship. 

This is certainly applicable to all aspects of life – not just romantic relationships.  I realized this a long time ago; however, I never realized there would be a time in my life where this “unbalanced relationship” is out of whack in all departments.  This where I find myself now… and I want to know, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?!?  This is NOT what I signed up for!

Will the scale of your life ever be balanced?  Or are some people just unbelievably blessed to be more on the receiving end of life?  OR, is it just fate to be on one side of the scale or the other – and never in the middle?  Is there really such a thing as the “perfect balance” in life after all?….

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