Tag Archives: balance

Worse than Hallelujah – honestly…

15 Jan

It’s no surprise that I’ve found myself at a loss of words lately. After my trip to the ER two nights ago, I am again, left with an overwhelming sense of uncertainty in my life. Yes, it was a productive trip in that a new, additional diagnosis was made – which honestly comes with little to no comfort behind it. Although the news was not terminal, that I had zero support system beside me to reach out and hold my hand through it left me my own yet again to push through it “realistically”. Fuck. I am so exhausted of “being realistic”, “being the champ”, “being the inspiration”, “being the strongest person you know.” Let’s be clear here. I’m no one’s champ. I’m not strong now. And if I were an inspiration, it would be for what you should NOT to do, or feel or say…

My latest trip to the ER stared… Well truth be told, it was several weeks in the making, as my doctor deflected my repeated cries for help with honestly valid answers such as “it’s side effects of the extremely high dosage of prednisone”, “we tapered you too fast”, “you are going through withdrawal” etc. I can’t fault him. I was going through so much. This amazing man who I look up to (who is usually sarcastic to get you through the really hard days) has transitioned his care-taking strategy with me by now taking me by the hands and hugged me on more than one occasion over the last few months while I simply cry and break down at every single appointment for no reason at all.  Sure, it was obvious that the prednisone really was affecting me negatively. So I get his linkage and can’t even say he was deflecting my cries for help. He did encouraged me to use the pain management available to me. Telling me not to be worried about looking like an addict, I clearly needed it. But then when the call came in to him that I was bleeding, it was clear that the pills were to blame for slowing down my system a little too much… I just couldn’t win!

Anyway, my amazing dr stopped answering his cell this weekend, so I had to call the oncall DR this Saturday who was quick to simply put me on me on more prednisone. Ok. Great. He promised relief by morning. And guess what! I had relief… For the first time in almost 3 months I enjoyed my morning walk with the dog, I caffeinated up, ate and went to work decorating the craft nook and office walls!

Then the pain started to creep in and creep in some more. Shit.. Called the oncall DR again. He said to get to the ER, he had no advice. And click he was gone… Ok. Now it was time to try everything in my arsenal as the thought of the ER and another hospital admittance scared the living shit out me!  Out came the yoga mat, and some seriously earthy crunchy music. Nope. Ouch. Ballet stretches from my 15 years at the barre… Ouch. Hot bath.. The negative energy just intensified. Added Epsom salts. Stupid idea. Polish off the Dilaudid I had left (only 4mg) with some yummy hot tea, fluffy blanket, pillows and my entire petting zoo with music. Pain just got worse as the minutes ticked by.

Ok now that was all stupid . Now I am loopy and dizzy from drugs, it’s foggy and I need to get to the ER.. My pain has only intensified in the last 3 hours, and I am now in no shape to drive. Thankfully, a local friend agrees to take me with the promise he can drop me off at the door and avoid watching me fall apart inside.  Score.

Just as I expected, they immediately treated me as if I were a drug addict simply looking to score some pain meds for the night – even though I clearly had a bag packed with me ready to be admitted to the hospital.  I took my begging for a bucket to throw up into it, and bleeding out of the IV they started to take blood samples.  Don’t forget, they don’t actually GIVE drug addicts the drugs they so crave… So I was left with a dangling IV starter dripping blood all over me and my bed… awesome. .. I’ll spare you the real image… 3 hours later, a doctor finally comes in who seems to get it.  She states that my inflammation levels are indeed all over the charts as are other markers, so an IV is finally started – drains almost immediately.  Clearly I was dehydrated – couldn’t they have figured that one out by all the water I was asking for?  40MG of Prednisone administered moving me up to my dreaded 60MG (I’ll get into this within a different post).  Finally in comes the Dilaudid and anti-nausea meds.  Neither work.  They inject me 2 more times with Dilaudid… STILL NO RELIEF. You have to be kidding me.  I’m trying to walk around, trying to do stretches, crying… the nurses keep looking at me like I’m an idiot… I’m asking for them for recommendations to make the pain go away – they said to quit moving and lay still.  Oh sweet nurses, you have NO idea what this pain feels like!  Finally around 2am, the DR comes in and suggests a muscle relaxer.  I said OK – whatever you’ve got, I’m happy to try.  RELIEF!  I actually fell asleep sitting up!  It relieved the pressure around my joints enough to actually let the pain pills do their job!

They then checked me for the flu – since I was healthy, they decided the hospital was not a safe place for me (oh yes, then came a long lecture of why in the hell I would subject myself to the hospital during a flu epidemic… excuse me, did we not just go through HOURS worth of pain management trial and error and clearly my pain had risen from a 7.5 to a 15 in a matter of those hours?  Did they not see what had transpired in front of them?  Anyway, we agreed to send me home with all the medication they would have kept me on for a few days in the hospital… only guess what… she didn’t give me the one that was the key to it all… Valium, the muscle relaxer… honestly…

A dramatic taxi ride home (the taxi driver refused to take me to an ATM to get him cash then cussed me out in some language I do not know for not having cash when we got home – mind you after he drove past my house THREE TIMES, I eventually just got out of the taxi and said goodbye and walked home). I was finally home…

Then, onto the radio comes Amy Grant’s, Better than a Hallelujah… you have GOT to be kidding me…

“We pour out of miseries, God just hears a melody, beautiful, the mess we are.  The honest cries of broken hearts are better than a Hallelujah.”… Well… I guess God must just LOVE Crohn’s patients, because we sure are NOT out rejoicing.  We sure do give Him some pretty awesome melodies of miseries… Hope he enjoyed this one… Because I wasn’t enjoying singing this song.

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Battle of Give and Take…

21 Apr

We have all heard that to achieve the perfectly balanced life, we must all give and take, right?  But do any of us really know the meaning of this phrase, or what it truly takes to achieve it?  I find myself struggling with this life lesson today, this week, this month…. And I am finding myself in a losing battle.

Only two words can completely sum up my feelings about myself today.  Burnt out.  I don’t know how else to describe it, but I am completely and utterly burnt out in every single aspect of my life.  As I was flipping through Facebook tonight (one of my bad habits to waste time that I can’t afford to waste) I found myself in tears.  I couldn’t figure out why at first – then it dawned on me.  I just don’t have the energy for it – to follow anyone else’s life when I can barely keep mine together now.  Every aspect of my life from personal to professional and back again feels like a sub-par version of how I expect my life to be.  This feeling prompted me to look at my life’s balance – or lack thereof in this case.

I realize that I am over-giving to every person and project in my life.  Or, in some cases, have already over-gave and just cannot give anymore.  I feel so close to the edge of that polarity that I worry about the what-if of not being able to re-balance my life altogether.  Then I realize that I am not in charge of what I get in return, and I am left with a few haunting questions.  Questions that I just cannot find the answers to.  Am I looking to the wrong outlets for the returned favors, attention and help?  Or is it just my turn to GIVE and not to GET in return?  Or do I simply rank things in a far different way than those I love?  That balance, too, shows a major deviance – the gap between priority lists feels far too large to justify today… Along those lines, do expect too much out of people?  Or am I too impatient or high maintenance?  After feeling this way for an entire month, I wonder – is it me?

The best relationship advice I ever received was simple: There will be times where one person gives more than the other, and sometimes will actually be doing all of the giving.  However, always keep in mind that there will be another timeframe where the other is doing all the giving.  It will never be a 50/50 split every single day, but more of a 50/50 split over the span of the successful relationship. 

This is certainly applicable to all aspects of life – not just romantic relationships.  I realized this a long time ago; however, I never realized there would be a time in my life where this “unbalanced relationship” is out of whack in all departments.  This where I find myself now… and I want to know, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?!?  This is NOT what I signed up for!

Will the scale of your life ever be balanced?  Or are some people just unbelievably blessed to be more on the receiving end of life?  OR, is it just fate to be on one side of the scale or the other – and never in the middle?  Is there really such a thing as the “perfect balance” in life after all?….

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