Numb

29 Oct

Lately, I’ve had writer’s block – and it’s really been eating away at me.  Usually when I take a break from writing it is because life has gotten in the way.  This time, it is because I just couldn’t do it – and I couldn’t figure out why.  But now I realize, it is because I’m not allowing myself to face realities of my life.  I’m numb…disconnected… and hesitant to feel again.

Sure, from an outsider looking in, it may look like the puzzle pieces of my life are methodically coming together.  One by one, my life appears to be “working out”, and it’s looking pretty good from that perspective:

Think like a man, walk like a woman.  Check – I’ve settled into a career with not one, not two, but several path options ahead of me.  I’ve surrounded myself with a pool of successful businessmen who play in various sandboxes who have taken on a mentor-ship rule to me.  Now if only I could truly decide what I want to be when I grow up…

Financial freedom.  Step in the right direction.  I have paid off roughly 50k in credit card debt by my own doing.  No help, just hard work and dedication.  My car is also paid off in full and its title lives in my safe.  I’m rebuilding my credit, and that plan is working out quite nicely.

American dream.  Check.  I bought my first home.  On my own.  Sure, it was a heart breaking experience walking away from not one but two homes I had fallen in love with on the same street as my best friends due to black mold.  But it worked out better than I could have imagined – I was able to not just buy, but build my very first home.  Now to tackle that pesky little thing called a mortgage…

Remission.  Step in the right direction.  I faced my scariest battle yet head on, and will continue to do so every 7 weeks.  I won’t give this section a resounding check just yet, because damn it its freaking scary.  I’m still not fully OK with getting an IV every 7 weeks for a biologically targeted chemo to be pumped through my veins… but then again, who would be OK with that?

Friendships to die for.  Check check triple check.  I really have some amazing friends, both new and old, who I think (know) would be there for me at the drop of a hat.  But for some reason, opening up to any of them isn’t on the table for me…. insert numbness.

I overheard a new friend of mine telling a buddy of his about me the other night.  He was telling his friend about this girl who’s genuine with an infectious positive attitude.   Someone who is fun to be around, and he legitimately likes to see out.  (He later told me he was talking about me, so I’m not just on some ego trip…)  If felt so nice to hear that… but later, it really weighed on me.  I realized the infectious positive attitude is just on the outside now – that’s when I realized I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t mad, upset, angry, or hurt either.  I wasn’t anything.  Just numb.

A neurologist once told me that our bodies have an ability to turn off our pain receptors.  We simply stop feeling physical pain – result, our bodies eventually endure too much and we black out, fall to the ground unconscious so that our bodies can heal from the damage.  Of course that’s tied to extreme pain – but could my soul turn off its ability to feel too?

I love the woman I’ve become – educated, well spoken, organized, motivated, quick on her feet, able to take take care of herself.  But to keep that woman alive, I’ve kind of learned to fly.  Flying through life at lightening speed, ignoring myself, just throwing myself full speed into my career to divert my attention.  I’m scared to take off my SuperWoman cape to take care of the shattered girl inside.  I know I’ll never fix the past mistakes of my father, cure my disease, or erase my own mistakes, but I’m afraid of the inevitable fall to come should I do so.

I’m not sure if feeling again is the best idea either.  What happens then?  What happens when I finally admit to myself that I could have died recently?  Being told how lucky you are and that you may not be so lucky the next time is a great conversation, let me tell you.  I guess I would then have to write a will, but honestly, what does it matter when you don’t have a family?  What happens when I finally admit to myself Thanksgiving is 3 weeks away, that the anniversary of past mistakes is 2 weeks away?  What happens when I look around in the morning and realize that I have no one to share my successes with?  Maybe numb really is the answer.

But when I am ready… “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.  What lies inside of you will always come out.  I just don’t know how where to go from here.  I guess a lot of finding will be going on…

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