FairyTales… Without happy endings?

3 Mar

My favorite part about growing up was tying on my tap shoes and lacing up my toe shoes.  No matter where I was, the dance studio, our high school’s stage, my home studio or one of the many stages I competed on, I was able to visit a world full of dreams and hopes.  A world unlike the one of reality.  A world that melted away the pain of the day – both physical and emotional.  I was able to temporarily transform my reality to a creative and peaceful world.  This freedom from the pain is also what I miss most about my childhood and my young adult years.  Today, my joints, bones and muscles ache too much to withstand a long walk — I’m beginning to think my dancing days are officially over for good.

Today, I look back on my life with anger and the hopeless feeling of being defeated.  In high school, I remember explaining to my friends that I understood my family’s turmoil.  That I just wasn’t one of those people who was blessed with an easy childhood.  I explained that I thought everyone, at the end of their lives, would have all gone through the same amount of pain.  I was just going through my pain early in life so that I could be blessed with an easier and happier adulthood.  I honestly believed that…. And I still, up until today, believed that, with everything I had. 

This week was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  This week I finally reached the “ENOUGH” phase; and it made me think back on the trust I held in karma.  My trust that things, someday, would get easier.  What a joke.  They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  And “God only gives you what you can handle.”  Honestly, I’d like to know why God hates me so much.  What did I do to piss off some greater being out there?  What did I do to deserve all this? 

Yes – this is a very different outlook than my last post…. And I understand how out of character this stance is for me.  But enough is seriously enough today.  I hope I wake up tomorrow and can find the silver lining in all this again.  I hope I wake up tomorrow and want to face the day – anxious to see what the day has in store for me.  I hope this denial of the reality of my life goes away – or gets easier to cope with.  Because today, it sucks.  There is no other way to put it.  I think the positive outlook on life is a crock of bullshit.  What can possibly be good about an illness without a cure?  An illness that strips me of my independence and threatens to strip me on what makes me “me”.  It sure doesn’t look like things are about to get any easier, especially when what is supposed to be my “miracle drug” is making me so sick I have nothing left but to vomit stomach bile, makes me lose 75% of my vision for days at a time and makes it too painful to even take the dog for a walk everyday…

Seriously, what did I do to piss off the big guy in sky?


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