Living Proof. Phase: Concept.

21 Jan

I’ve had a lot of time on my hands this week.  I checked out of work Friday at 6pm with bright eyes for the week to come.  Plans.  I had big plans.  Then reality hit – like it normally does.  Looking back on the week, I am thankful to have had the week off.  To seek medical care, to drown in my sorrows, to be numb, to feel pain, to deny my truth.  I let myself relax – and not in the traditional sense of the word.  I allowed myself to let down my guard, to myself – when no one was looking, when no one else was around.  Funny how hard it is to open up, even to yourself sometimes…

Naturally, when one receives difficult news, the mind starts to work.  Usually our minds bend in the direction of worst case scenarios first.  It is only when you reach the bottom that you can learn to look above.  We learn to reach out.  We learn to live.  We learn about who we really are in these times.  This week was twisted with trials – and frankly, I don’t feel I am strong enough to do this on my own.  But what does it really mean to do something on our own?  And are we really ever truly alone?

My mind went there this week.  To worst case.  To being alone.  Sure, 5 days, 120 hours, may not see like enough time to let the sky fall on Chicken Little’s Head… but damn can hell pour down on you hard and fast.  No, this black cloud didn’t pop up over night.  Over our lives, we collect pain and hurt.  Stashing it somewhere far inside of us – perhaps in a box to the left.  Fueling us.  To move forward, away from the scars of our past.  Scars do not disappear mind you – simply morphing their appearances to a remembrance of where we have been.  What we have been through.  What we have done.  Cracks in our personality – flaws we all bear.

Worst case scenarios this week were abundant.  Seemed like all the research I was doing was only planting new and more detailed ideas in my head.  Each one finding a way to top the first.  Yes, illness is scary.  No, the future will never be known ahead of time.  Complications happen.  But so do surprises.  If anything can happen, why do we define ourselves by and hide behind our scars?

I’ve written my official resolution list for 2012.  It is simple.  “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  Don’t worry, Mahatma Gandhi, I give you credit for coming up with it first.  The spark of my inspiration came from you.

I thought this year was going to the year that I bunker down, focus on myself, take a year to be selfish, feed Amanda’s soul… but where will that honestly get me?  Worst case scenario speaking here (yup, I am going there)… I could start a new medication, pick up a simple infection and not know it… until it’s too late.  Yup, that’s life for me now… but say that were to happen (though I’d probably be more likely to die in a car crash), how would I have affected the world?  Where would MY change be?  Can’t take internal change with you.  I could have it all, but what is the purpose if not to share?

So, yes, I am going to focus on myself – my spirit, my health, my career, my good fortune.  Yes, I’m going to invest in myself personally and professionally.  I’m going to move into my very first house and make it a home.  What an amazing foundation I’ve built for myself.  But we all need more than just a slab of concrete to stand on.

It is going to be the year I look beyond myself.  Back to basics – you want something, get it.  You see something wrong, fix it.  Not sure what that looks like just yet – but I plan on imprinting on anyone and everyone I can this year (to steal a concept from my fellow Edward vs Jacob fans).  I plan on making a difference.

“Its gonna be a long, long journey.  Its gonna be an uphill climb.  Its gonna be a tough fight – there’s gonna be some lonely nights.  But I’m ready to carry on….  ….I feel like I can do anything, and finally I’m not afraid to read.  Anything you said to me, and everything you do.  You can’t deny the truth, ’cause I’m the living proof.  So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through – but look at me.  I’m the living proof.” Mary J. Blidge

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