A letter to 2011 Litz

30 Dec

Dear Litz,

As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself in my usual rhythm of reflection.  Reflecting on myself, my actions and my year in general.  This year, I cannot look back on the last 363 (not quite 365 yet) days proudly… an odd realization for me and even harder pill to swallow…

I received a very heart-felt gift this Christmas, given out of love and received happily — an ornament to remind me of all adult decisions I have made and what I have overcome.  I truly adore this gift and all the sentiments behind it.  But I can’t help by feeling a bit out of sorts looking at it just sitting there on my desk… Not on a Christmas tree like it deserves!  And only I am to blame for that….

My year is ending, and I can honestly say that I do not recognize myself.  Ouch, that was hard to admit – and even harder to physically say… But I guess I did it all to myself.  It runs deeper than the fact I refused to celebrate my favorite holiday leaving my boxes and boxes of decorations and tree safely packed away in the stairs below my home.  I rang in 2011 on the wrong foot.  So it would only be fitting for my entire year to fall a bit off kilter.  And boy was it ever… Yes, I found myself in several painful situations – but truth be told, my actions and reactions got myself there.  I lost myself – and started at minute 1 in 2011.

I’ve been told that everyone loses themselves at one point in their lives, which makes me feel a little more “normal”.  But “normal” is never what I do or feel… I have made a life truly unique to my own, but I look around me today and see that vibrant, one-of-a-kind life shattered around me.  Sure, I look around and see some of my favorite things (my mini petting zoo, pictures and my belongings), but I don’t feel connected to my life anymore.  I realize that I stopped fighting this year.  I stopped fighting for ME.  In doing so, I allowed this cloud of anxiety and doubt to fall around me.  Once so sure of myself and confident, I find myself constantly doubting my decisions, my words and my actions.  Plain and simple – that is not me.

So… As I round out the last 48 hours for 2011, I plan on wrapping things up.  Putting 2011 in a nice and ORGANIZED (something I have no concept of these days…) box, and I am saying goodbye to it.  Bye Bye, my terrible year.  Bye Bye, letting go of myself.  Bye Bye, losing touch with who I am and what I want.

2012 – I am ready for you.  Well, I guess truth be told, I’m talking myself into the idea of you at the moment.  My formal goals – have not yet transitioned from the concept stage – but watch out.  Litz is soon to be back, and things are about to change.

attraversiamo,

Lost Litz

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