Lines of Fate

19 May

I find myself thinking about fate tonight – more specifically, my fate.  They say what is meant to be, will be.  But can you beat fate? Can one wrong turn lead you off your path? Is there a laid out path to one’s fate, or is it only the end result that is our destiny?  I also wonder how we receive our fate, and can it change?

Here I am, on the verge of my 27th birthday, completely and utterly broken – or so I felt like I was.  One year and three weeks ago, I called off an engagement.  After months of fighting, catching him in lies and pure dishonesty in the relationship, I closed the book and walked away.  One year later, to the week – I find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum.  My recent relationship is over, and I’m at a loss for words.  Broken hearted and bruised, I wonder if this is fate’s way to slapping me in the face?  Can fate really be mean to you?  Perhaps its karma’s way of getting back at me – a broken heart for breaking a heart?  A spade for a spade?

This makes me wonder – was this supposed to happen?  Was this life’s cruel lesson to me to be more careful, not fall in love so easily or trust as openly?  Or is the story just not over yet?  Was this just a wrong turn in my journey to my fate – or is there where i am supposed to end up at this point in time?  That makes me think about how we receive our fate.  I wonder if I did this to myself…

Growing up, I never pictured myself married.  I do have two striking images that do stand out though.  I have an image of myself in my mid 20’s (though I am officially in my late 20’s as of tomorrow…) running through my mind that has been playing over and over since I was a kid.  I never saw myself in the white dress with girlfriends all around me, I never saw myself falling in love and I never saw myself in a relationship.  What I did see, was a grass-covered park.  I was there with a large golden dog – throwing a ball and laughing as he ran it back to me with a goofy smile on his face.  I was alone.  Alone.  Alone and Happy!  I remember seeing myself put his leash back on and going home.  My home was small but organized.  Clean with fresh flowers.

The second depiction of myself revealed me working from home – working long hours and considering myself successful.  I was on a phone call – negotiating hard and fast.  That was it.

Looking back on these – I realize that I’m there.  Both of those images of myself are real today.  I have an 80 lbs. Golden/Lab mix, whom I just adore.  He is complete with the goofy smile constantly plastered all over his face, too.  I have a demanding job that is ultimately creating a sense of success for me.  I’m paying off my debt at a rapid pace, and I’m a force to be reconded with at the end of a quarter.  Nothing stands in my way.  My home is small, but suitable (I don’t own it – but I never had a sense of ownership in the flashes).  I’ve been doing nothing but organizing it, and I have been stocking my bedroom with fresh flowers for the past few weeks.  And I’m alone….

So is this it for me?  Have I officially reached my fate? A fate that I wonder how I got.  Did I create that fate as a child?  Is it my fault if I’m destined to be alone?  Or is this just where I’m meant to be.

My question to whatever force is driving my life… Is this where I am meant to be – or is this just a sanity check point along the journey?

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3 Responses to “Lines of Fate”

  1. Wilson May 19, 2011 at 11:47 AM #

    Insanity checkpoint. I refuse to accept a destiny of being alone for the rest of my life, I believe way too much in the power of love to think that there Is no one out there for you. Unfortunately we must be patient as it will take time. Getting older we feel that time is not on our side but we must stay positive about it and embrace time, make it our friend and not enemy. Keep your chin up. I’m trying to.

  2. Thom May 19, 2011 at 12:10 PM #

    Beautifully put … but I don’t believe there’s a long term Fate thing out to get ya! :o)

    If nothing else, we DO choose our “fate”, but it is something as slippery and vaporous as a change in thinking / self-dialog.

  3. findinglitz May 28, 2011 at 12:49 AM #

    Thanks you two. It is certainly going to be a unique ride figuring this one out!

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